I Just Can't
by Arem
Summary: Friends reflect on their relationship with a certain warlock after his death. one-shot, no slash. Trigger Warning: mentions of suicide.


POV: Merlin.

Has it always been this way? I cant even remember the last time I felt happy. I smile all the time and chatter endlessly; but that isn't happy, that's a mask. Arthur is king now. So my job is finished.

I could always leave Camelot… and go where? I have nowhere else.

So I stay and smile and laugh and fool everyone.

But tonight, tonight is different. Tonight I cant do this. I write a quick note and leave it on my bed, wondering how long it'll take before they notice I'm gone. Gaius, at least, will miss me…. the thought isn't enough to stop me from climbing one of the towers. I'm just- I'm so tired of pretending everything is okay. I've given up so much for them, for destiny, and still wonder if it will ever be enough.

I guess it has to be.

It doesn't really matter. Because I'm not doing this anymore. I just cant.

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POV: Gwaine

I would like to think I knew Merlin. I thought of him as a friend, almost like a little brother. I teased him, because I didn't know how else to show him I cared. I wish I could say I noticed how down he was, but I can't. Because he fooled me too. And after talking to Lancelot and Gaius I know I must have been blind not to see it. Merlin knew my secret, but I never guessed his. I'm not sure I'll stay now. Merlin was the main reason I was here to begin with. I'm leaving in the morning. I can't stay with Merlin gone; I just can't.

POV: Lancelot

Most of the others have already come asking about Merlin. I didn't want to tell them. King Arthur ordered me to; and I almost didn't. Because before I was ever loyal to Arthur I was loyal to Merlin. Eventually I told them what little I knew about Merlin's magic. Merlin was so amazing; I can't believe he would do this. Somehow though it fits.

I should have noticed. Of all people I should have realized what was going on. I knew everything, and I was too blind to see his problems. I would love to believe that none of this was my fault. But I just can't.

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POV: Arthur

I don't know what to think. One day you're teasing your manservant about one thing or the other and the next he's dead by his own hand. Then I find out he had magic. He _was _magic. And I never guessed. Lancelot and Gaius tell me of all the times he's saved us all. Of all the times no one realized it. Of everything about him that was a lie.

Why didn't he trust me? Why didn't I listen? He needed someone and I wasn't there. And I keep trying to convince myself that I knew Merlin, but I just can't.

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POV: Gwen

Merlin was my best friend. After Morgana turned evil he helped me find ways to keep myself busy. He was always there for me. I feel like I failed him. He was like a brother; well, I mean I have a brother, and he wasn't like Elyan, but he…. Never mind. He was just…. Merlin. He always seemed so happy. No matter how bad of a day I had had, he always cheered me up. I never would have thought he would…. But he did.

I should have seen what was going on. I should have noticed. But I didn't and now… now he's gone. I wish I could say I was there for him; but I just can't.

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POV: Gaius

How could I have missed this? I'm a physician, I should have seen the signs; I should have prevented this! I knew what he went through better than anyone else, I should have realized he was hurting. How heavily destiny weighed on his shoulders! I would to go back and change it but there is no chance of that. We get one chance at this thing called life. No repeats, no do-overs.

He must have felt so alone.

I wouldn't let him tell even his closest of friends.

I caused this.

No, I did no such thing. I should have noticed, yes, but I don't think anything I could have said would have stopped him. Once you hear one thing over and over and over, you lose belief in it.

I wish I could believe I could have prevented this, but I just cant.

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POV: not evil Morgana

I didn't believe them when they came to tell me about Merlin.

I did, actually, but I didn't want to.

At first I was so angry at him. How dare he? How dare he do this to Guinevere? To Gaius. How dare Merlin leave me alone? To deal with magic without anyone to tell me that it isn't evil. How dare he leave Arthur to cry at night when he thinks no one can hear him? How could Merlin do this to us?

I asked my tutor many of the same things and he only spouted words about mental conditions leading to death.

So I went to talk to Gaius. And he told me. He told me about Merlin's magic. His destiny.

I wonder what that must have felt like? Arthur's opinion on magic is no secret. How must it have hurt to hear your friend call you evil, even if it was inadvertent? I know the feeling of being alone. Of suddenly fearing fire more than anything else in the world. Because you know if anyone found out that would be your fate.

I wish I could be angry with Merlin, but knowing what it must have been like for him, I just can't.

**A/N: so this is just something I found on my laptop today, and I thought I'd upload it. let me know what you think!**


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